Melyssa and the Mouse: A Cathartic Piece
Hello everyone! I know this blog is usually for lighthearted stuff that happens in a place many people use as their escape from reality. But, since you’re all my family, I wanted to open up about what I’ve been dealing with for some time now and hope that this can be a cathartic piece for the both of us. Not many of you know me, but I have a history of dealing with depression and anxiety. Having relocated away from my family this past year definitely made dealing with my mental illness issues even more difficult as my whole network was gone and there was plenty of added stress that came along with the move. I’m also a very quiet person, so reaching out and making new friends was not a tool I had at the ready, though I was able to meet some really amazing people who have stuck by me despite what I was going through on the inside. So, despite achieving something not only that I had been looking forward too for a long time, but that many people also wish to do themselves, I was slowly sinking back into myself, where my mind was messing with me.
I have seen that, while I present a certain face to the world, my inner self was quite different. I lost a lot of motivation to go out- even just to walk around the parks was no longer something that could uplift my spirit and give me that renewed sense of wonder. I wasn’t the same bubbly person I was before this sickness started to eat away at my joy. I would find the negative and focus on the things that I could not do or the difficulties before me instead of giving myself credit for having actually done things- ranging from the big thing of moving out of state, to the small thing of continuing to get to work each day and being productive there. Finally, I can see that, the problem is not totally on how other people treat me, but how I treat myself. I am by far my harshest critic and this has always led to problems within. I judge myself and then I feel that I am not good enough for others and refuse to see what others see in me. I honestly struggle with feeling accomplished and successful- I yearn for approval but then I don’t trust those that give it because my crazy mind just believes the person is just being nice without being truthful. I’m a topsy turvy mess.
However, like I’ve said, I live near the happiest place on earth so clearly I have access to some things that even the best therapist could not give to me. I am going to make some major changes in order to try to refocus my mind and get to the point where I can once again enjoy the happiest place on earth. This will be a year of change and transformation, even more than the previous year had been. While many of us (particularly those of us in the U.S.) joke that 2016 was the worst year, we all know 2017 did not start off much better. But with the bulk of the year behind us, I think we can try to end 2017 on a positive note and truly have some fantastic stuff to look forward to from this moment on!
I would love to hear from you also because I know everyone has things they deal with and everyone struggles- the more we can come together, the better we can become! If you want to share- please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and put Melyssa in the subject line.